the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks