How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Spa day..😅
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.