The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
every. time.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable