Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.