Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
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I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically