I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Whoa 😂
R.I.P.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.