It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Customize Your Wedding.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”