You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
dutch is not a serious language
The police never think its as funny as you do.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates