I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.