My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
You Might Also Like
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.