[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this