*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
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If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!