i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.