Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef