I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Möther may I have a snäck
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
North and South
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.