Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
You Might Also Like
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-