“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
This squirrel eats better than I do
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.