Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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a god among men
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If only.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?