DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
You Might Also Like
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.