me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*