[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.