Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie