co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Spring of Deception
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”