Harsh but fair
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Dolls on drugs
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
“I’m helping” 😅
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am