Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The options really are this bad
These work great until they don’t.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.