Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
You Might Also Like
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The three genders.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else