Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.