NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house