hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
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Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
B
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.