Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.