Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”