*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Finally!
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
🙋♀️
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.