Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
happy mother’s day❤️
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
You can’t outrun your problems…
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter