I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
You Might Also Like
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.