INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.