doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Go hard or stay average
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.