Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”