My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Wake me when AI does housework
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard