New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin