ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi