Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME