Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”