Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Had to try this trend 😊
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.