A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Something Saturday.
Every damn time
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.