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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.