Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*