[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
me: my friends:
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?