Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!