Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Confused owl: What?!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not