Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My love language is hissing.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Seems a bit forward
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info